By Rifka Lebowitz, CFP®
Imagine discovering that your spouse has taken out a substantial loan without telling you. Or perhaps they’ve accumulated significant credit card debt, withdrawn money from your savings or borrowed from family members without your knowledge.
Your first question might be how much money is involved. But I suspect that for many people, the next question is far more painful: Why didn’t you tell me?
Welcome to the world of financial infidelity.
Financial infidelity is a recognised phenomenon. Researchers writing in the Journal of Consumer Research define it as “engaging in any financial behavior expected to be disapproved of by one’s romantic partner and intentionally failing to disclose this behavior to them.”
In other words, it’s knowingly doing something financial that you expect your partner wouldn’t approve of and deliberately keeping it from them.
And it’s more common than you might imagine. A 2025 Bankrate survey found that 40% of American adults who were married, in a civil partnership or living with a romantic partner admitted to having kept at least one financial secret from their current partner. While this is American research, financial infidelity is certainly something I encounter in my work as a financial planner in Israel.
What’s interesting is that the financial decision itself is sometimes only part of the problem. The loss of trust can be considerably harder to deal with.
How does financial infidelity begin?
I don’t believe most people enter a marriage intending to deceive their spouse about money. In some situations, financial infidelity begins with what the person involved considers a perfectly reasonable decision.
Perhaps business has been difficult, and someone borrows money to cover expenses. They’re confident that next month will be better, so why worry their spouse unnecessarily? Perhaps they’ve lost their job or their income has fallen. They’re embarrassed and don’t want to admit that they’re struggling, so they use credit to maintain their family’s usual standard of living.
Or perhaps they want to do something lovely for their partner. An expensive birthday present, a holiday or something they know their spouse has always wanted. They can’t afford it right now, but they borrow the money because they feel their partner deserves it.
The intentions may even have been good. Of course, sometimes the reasons are less innocent. Someone might be hiding impulsive spending, accumulating debt to maintain a lifestyle they can’t afford or repeatedly making financial decisions they know their spouse wouldn’t agree to.
However, there’s another situation that I find particularly important to recognise. Sometimes the original problem seems so small that the person involved believes they can resolve it before their partner ever needs to know. They don’t mention it because they’re embarrassed, ashamed or worried about the reaction they’ll receive.
Then the problem grows. The small loan becomes a larger loan. The credit card balance increases. Money is borrowed from somewhere else to repay the original debt.
And as the financial problem grows, so does the shame. At some point, telling their spouse becomes considerably more frightening than it would have been at the beginning. So they continue to hide it, desperately hoping they’ll find a way out.
Until, one day, their partner discovers what’s been happening.
The financial problem is only part of the story
Marriage comes with an extraordinary number of expectations, many of which are never actually discussed. We might discuss where we’ll live, whether we’ll have children and what sort of lifestyle we’d like. However, many couples never properly discuss their financial expectations.
What constitutes a significant purchase? How much debt are we comfortable having? Is it acceptable to lend money to family members? Should we consult each other before making certain financial decisions?
We often assume that our partner sees these things exactly as we do. And because we assume we’re in agreement, we don’t necessarily have the conversations that would establish whether that’s actually the case.
I believe one of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is understanding that we’re partners. We’re building our future together, sharing responsibilities and making decisions that affect both of us. That requires trust.
Marriage researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman developed a model called the Sound Relationship House, which identifies trust and commitment as two essential supports of a healthy relationship. Trust includes knowing that your partner considers your interests when making decisions, while commitment involves consistently choosing the relationship and demonstrating that you can depend on one another.
Now imagine discovering that your spouse has been making significant financial decisions without you. Suddenly, you might begin questioning considerably more than the money.
What else don’t I know? How long has this been happening? Have there been other secrets? Can I believe what I’m being told now? And perhaps the most difficult question of all: Can I still trust the person I thought I could depend on?
When financial betrayal feels like grief
In my experience, discovering financial infidelity can produce an emotional response that resembles grief. After all, the person may be grieving the loss of something extremely important: the sense of security and trust they believed they had in their marriage.
Many people will be familiar with the five stages of grief associated with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although these stages were developed in the context of dying and bereavement, I find them a useful way of understanding some of the emotional reactions that can follow a serious breach of trust.
Initially, there may be disbelief or denial. Surely there must be some mistake. Perhaps the situation isn’t as serious as it appears. Their partner would never deliberately deceive them.
Then comes anger. How could you do this? How could you put our family in this position? How could you allow me to continue making financial decisions without knowing what was happening?
Bargaining might follow. Perhaps if we sell something, take another loan or drastically reduce our spending, we can somehow undo the damage. There may also be endless questions about what could have been done differently.
For some people, sadness follows. They may mourn the financial future they thought they were building, the relationship they believed they had or the feeling that their spouse would always protect their shared interests.
Eventually, there may be acceptance. This means beginning to understand what has happened and deciding how to move forward. It doesn’t necessarily mean forgiving the behaviour or deciding to continue the relationship.
Of course, grief doesn’t follow a predictable timetable. Someone might experience several of these emotions at once or feel that they’re making progress, only to experience renewed anger when something reminds them of what happened.
And there’s something important that the partner responsible for the financial infidelity needs to understand. The financial problem might have been resolved, but that doesn’t mean the emotional damage has disappeared.
Financial security is about more than money
As a financial planner, I spend a great deal of time helping people establish financial security. We discuss savings, investments, long term planning, protection from the unknown, emergency funds and financial planning for the future.
But financial security is also emotional. It’s the comfort of knowing that your bills can be paid now and, in the future, that you have money available if something unexpected happens and that the future you’re planning for is financially achievable. Within a marriage, it can also involve knowing that you’re making financial decisions based on accurate information.
When someone discovers that their spouse has concealed significant financial information, that sense of security can disappear almost overnight. They might have difficulty sleeping, constantly worry about money or feel an overwhelming need to check every bank transaction.
They may become reluctant to spend money, even on perfectly reasonable expenses. They might question every financial decision or feel anxious whenever their partner mentions an unexpected expense. Some people become determined to control every aspect of the household finances because they no longer feel comfortable depending on their spouse. Others simply withdraw.
These reactions can be exhausting for both partners.
And here’s where another problem sometimes develops. The person who took the loan, made the purchase or concealed the debt may genuinely believe that their partner is overreacting. They might say something along the lines of, “I’ll repay the money. What’s the problem?” Or, “I borrowed it for the family. I didn’t do anything for myself.”
Perhaps they even feel hurt that their partner doesn’t appreciate their original intentions. But the partner who was kept in the dark may be dealing with something considerably bigger than the financial decision itself. Their confidence in the relationship has been shaken, and telling someone that they’re overreacting is unlikely to help restore it.
Where do we go from here?
Can couples recover from financial infidelity? I believe that in many situations they can, although rebuilding trust may take considerably longer than resolving the financial problem.
Sometimes, professional help is needed. A qualified couples therapist or psychologist can help address the emotional consequences of broken trust, while a financial planner can help a couple understand their financial position and work towards financial stability.
One thing I frequently remind couples when discussing their finances is that they’re on the same team. That doesn’t mean they have identical attitudes towards money or will always agree about financial decisions. However, it does mean recognising that their decisions can affect each other and the future they’re building together.
I understand that admitting to financial difficulties can be incredibly hard, particularly when you’re worried about disappointing your spouse or feel that you should have been able to manage things differently. Sometimes it’s easier to convince yourself that you’ll find a solution before anyone needs to know, especially when you’re trying to protect the people you love from worrying.
But the longer those difficulties remain hidden, the harder they can become to resolve. An uncomfortable conversation may be difficult in the short term, but discovering that your partner has been concealing financial information can have consequences that last considerably longer.
We all make financial mistakes, and most of us will experience financial challenges at some point in our lives. Having someone alongside us who understands what’s happening and is willing to face those challenges together is one of the benefits of marriage.
Ultimately, financial security within a marriage is about more than having money in the bank. It’s also about knowing that you can trust the person you’re building your future with.
